on being a beginner 🤍

this weekend Justen and I went paddle boarding for the first time since getting married, and I learned a lesson that I thought I would share with you all ☀️

if you know me in real life or are familiar with my youtube videos, then you know that I'm a BIG perfectionist ... hi, mom and dad reading this 😂 I hold myself to a very high standard in pretty much everything I do and have always had a hard time letting go and letting myself mess up. I've gotten sooooo much better at this as I've gotten older, but even still, when I am doing something that I'm new at or have little experience in, I struggle to let myself be a beginner (aka, to fail).

that's exactly what happened on Saturday.

one of the reasons I started this blog is so I can have a space to more candidly tell you guys about things I'm learning and "behind the scenes" stories from things you may see snippets of on my social media -- cute photo dumps, productive vlogs, creative date nights, and fun travels. the reality behind the things I share is that I still get super anxious from time to time, Justen and I get in our fair share of heated arguments like every couple does, and dishes and laundry pile up throughout the week, among others "mishaps." we are not perfect, and I am very far from perfect!

I shared a cute little video today unboxing and taking our new inflatable paddle board out for the first time, and before posting that I knew I was also going to write about what really happened when we took it out on the water.

now, I have been paddle boarding a few times in my life -- first when my family and I went on vacation to Florida over ten years ago, a couple times at summer camp, and once last year when Justen and I visited our friends Christy and Corey in Nashville (our inspo for getting our own boards!!). I like to think of myself as decently fit and athletic when it comes to simple things: I can run, do basic strength training, and have enough coordination to throw a frisbee around -- but you won't catch me keeping up with any ball-based sports, lol. so when we got these boards and had planned to take them out on Friday, I figured that I would do perfectly fine.

but let me tell you, when we got out on the water, it was WINDY and the water was so choppy. I lasted only a minute or two standing up before my wobbly knees had me kneeling or sitting the rest of the time. I'm not the strongest swimmer, so water-related sports in general make me more nervous (I have zero desire to ever surf or scuba dive, for example 😂), but lake activities are usually a happy medium for me.

today was different though, and the second I knelt down on that board, I immediately shifted into my all-too-familiar mental groove of getting frustrated with myself -- "this is so embarrassing," "you're so bad at this," "Justen must be embarrassed to be with you," "he must be annoyed with you," "you can't keep up."

I don't know about yours, but my brain can be a really mean place sometimes.

I was trying to keep up with my former collegiate rower husband as he's effortlessly moving through the wind and waves and I'm fumbling around trying to turn my board and avoid running into the bank. the more I frantically moved, the more frustrated I got, and that led me to getting frustrated with him.

I was trying to call out to him to ask for help, but the wind was so loud that he couldn't hear me, so when he didn't understand what I was saying, I found myself getting more frustrated at both of us and wanting to just throw in the towel.

we eventually found calmer water, got to swim a bit, made our way back to shore, and talked the whole thing out. a little later I made the connection that there are many, many things in my life right now that have me in a beginner state -- being newly married, being an (almost) new graduate nurse practitioner, preparing for a cross-country move (OH? yes, will spill the deets so soon, y'all 😉), etc. these are all BIG life changes happening at once, and I didn't realize how–both consciously and subconsciously–I've been reaching my max window of tolerance for failing at new things.

whether the answer is to stretch that window, find fewer things to be new at, or just to give myself more grace (the latter is probably best), the reality is that this is my year of being a novice in almost every area of life, and that is okay.

I realized that while yes, I probably overreacted to the paddle board situation, my emotions also made a lot of sense because it was just one more thing I felt like I wasn't good at and didn't know how to do well. of course that was going to feel hard and overwhelming!

I hope this post helped you to breathe a bit easier and remember that it's okay to be a beginner -- no matter how old you are, no matter what you're learning (or re-learning). I'd love to hear if and how you've had a similar experience and what helped you!

see y'all next week 🤍

much love,

emily